Tuesday, 18 March 2008

What next?

All I can think about at the moment is that I'll be back home in another 6 weeks or so. And then what on earth am I going to do? Something shifted after the Vegas trip: before then I was fully engrossed in the fairy mountain world experience, life had shifted down to a simple pattern of work/ski/work/ski/a few beers/'hang out' /ski/ repeat. I think part of the thrill with skiing is you get so focused on it that you forget there's a world outside the mountain.

But there is, and it's rapidly approaching. At the moment it feels a little bit like this. A huge black hole. I'm scared as opposed to excited, although that does depend on how tired and emotional I'm feeling. A little less emotional at the moment because I cut out the source of the confusion post-Vegas (Tamsin: I know that last post was boring... and so obviously a gloss! I've been forgetting I'm not 25 anymore.)

I'm not even sure what I want. I've had enough of the transient travelling life - yet again, I've met some wonderful people here and yet again, I'm leaving them. It's too heart-breaking to continue. At the same time, the thought of the end of the adventures seems so dull.

I guess the trick is to view the next part of life as an adventure too as I try to get settled somewhere other than London, most likely the motherland. It makes sense. Outdoor living, my little nephew, all my siblings and my Mum and Dad are there. And I'm sure I'll be able to drag the urbanites up for some weekends of healthy living. Or they'll drag me down to the smoke for weekends of decadence which is more likely as I try and fail to live up to my self-imposed good girl standards.

What am I going to do when I can't ski 5 days a week? I've been so spoilt. I couldn't do this forever though; it's far too self-indulgent. Life is bigger than just me and what I want to do.

In a month's time, Toby would have been 30. I've been thinking about him a lot recently and about the whole Borneo experience. I'm not quite sure why I was spared and he died. He was way more committed to doing something bigger than him than I am! I think the universe got that choice wrong somewhere.... well, we'll see. I promised myself I'd make my time on this earth count after being with him when he died, and the time is approaching to fulfill that in some way.

So, answers on a postcard please!


Iain said...

It’s just living, surviving and carrying on that counts. You know my motto ‘you are here now so you may as well make the most of it’. Relax and stop putting so much pressure on yourself – I seem to remember that’s what brought on the whole trip in the first place – have you learned nothing my child?

Finally if I ever hear you say anything such as “the universe made the wrong choice” again I will strangle you myself.

Hannah said...

If I'm not allowed to say "the universe made the wrong choice", then you're not allowed to say "my child." You sound like Yoda.

Anyway, I don't believe it's all about just surviving and carrying on, that's a real Scottish view, this attitude of "accept what you've got and live with it". It's too fatalistic. Although that doesn't quite fit with your view on "make the most of it" which is a little more positive.

Tamsin said...

I thought "Yoda" too! But I have to second Mr Cassidy's admonishment on the "universe's choice". I think you should accept that there was no choice here at all - random stuff happens. The consequences of that randomness are different for each and every one of us. The trick of living is to not worry about that randomness too much, not to look for meaning or patterns in the randomness, and find a way to be happy.

If anyone cracks the last bit, I'll be pleased to hear the secret :-)

I think you should embrace the next part of the journey as the next adventure. Be lovely to see you at some point when you're back in Blighty. (And I can THOROUGHLY recommend Brighton as a good alternative to London - though perhaps it's in the wrong direction considering the pull you're feeling back to Scotland . . . )

seamus said...

'Ski in the future'comes to mind as one of the highlights of our time together in the Wasatch mountains. You have influenced & been influenced by so many different people in the past few months in ways you cannot imagine.
'People with a high level of personal mastery live in a continual learning mode.They never arrive'[Senge] Enjoy the process!

Anonymous said...

Hi, Hannah, please ignore this if you are not the person I'm looking for. I'd like to get in touch with (Dr) James and Alison Grant who live (or lived) in Montrose. We met the family on holiday in France in the mid-1980s - my children are Andi, Angus, Laura and Matthew.

My address is slightly different - we moved house just before my husvband died 3 years ago -and I lost James and Alison's address some time ago. But my email address is lesley.maciver@btopenworld.com

If you can identify with this, then please send my very best wishes to your family.