Sunday, 20 April 2008

Being 35

Feeling reflective this morning. Everyone else is still asleep, I've been woken up by the smoke alarm "peeping". I'm just trying to isolate which one of them is doing the peeping as I sip the last of the coffee.

I'm working this afternoon, got another 3 days up at Snowbird and then a couple of days to pack up before I fly out. So it's all pretty much over and I will begin my return to 30 something life in less than a week.

I can't believe I'm 35 and still behaving like a rock star. I was given this label earlier in the week by a very lovely guy called Ben and I like it. There's been a little bit of misbehaving since my birthday and it's been so much fun, I'll always have it in me.

And it's got me thinking: age really is a state of mind. If I compare life now to four years ago, although I'm making about ten times less than I did in London, I haven't really worried much about money for a year. I know I need to make some again, but it doesn't keep me awake at night. Nor have I worried about Mr Right/ Mr Wrong. Well, not strictly true, but the minor worries I've had about boys (boys being the operative word) are nothing compared to the hours I used to spend fretting about Rogan's lifestyle and how I was going to cope with it. I'm bored senseless at work but I no longer feel it defines who I am; there is no longer the continual sense of failure for not being a "professional" i.e. a doctor or a lawyer or something requiring blood, sweat and tears to qualify. And as for flat prices, I think they've been mentioned in passing, but no more than that. Mind you, I'm still worrying about how fat I'm getting, that anxious behaviour persists and probably always will, it's what I do to try and have some control.

I wonder how long it will take for me to get back into the full-blown anxious groove. I hope I won't go there but I know just how easily we mould ourselves to fit the environments we find ourselves in.

I think I'm going to start a new blog when I get back, something about assimilating into real life when I have none of the trappings I should have by this age. Might provide an outlet for that anxiety if I turn it into something humorous!

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