The end of the road?

So here's the reflective post. Warning. This may contain scenes of a self-revelatory nature. I read once, think it may have been on Tamsin's blog, that all this blogging is really terribly self-indulgent. We reveal our innermost thoughts in the vain hope that our loved ones will be reading and somehow understand us better. Perhaps that's the motivation behind this; perhaps it's more about summarising for myself what I've learnt along the way - so when I end up prostituting myself to the corporate devil once more I'll remember what's really important.

Of everything I've done, living and working in a small village on the banks of the Kinabatangan in Borneo provided the biggest shift in experience for me. I'm still not a fan of the Raleigh organisation (being forced to eat porridge and pasta in the land of nasi lemak is just a travesty), but I could never have done it on my own and it really does attract some inspirational people, not least of whom was Toby. We worked so well together, it's the first time in my life I've really allowed someone else to lead a project whilst I took on a secondary role, clucking around all my little chickens. I just loved it; I was surprisingly good at it. I realise just how much of a collectivist I am, I'm at my best when I have others to focus on. It's my Scottish upbringing, something I've seen as a hindrance for so many years but which I now realise has actually instilled me with some great values.







To be with Toby when he died on that road felt so unreal and so unfair. We were so lucky nobody else was killed; the others have made a fantastic recovery. The accident has been a defining experience for me: to know that when the shit really hits the fan, I can step up to the mark and hold it together for everyone else is hugely empowering. It was the first time in my life where my behaviour really mattered and I did both of us proud, both at the time and afterwards. At the end of the expedition I had to accept some flags for his family from the Malaysian government; as I went up to receive them I got this amazing round of applause from over 100 Raleighites in the room. It really was one of the saddest and proudest moments of my life. Pretty much everyone I've met on my trip knows all about Toby, I still talk about him a lot. This pic of us was taken as we were dropped off at the village for the first time. A fun time, we just laughed so much. Biting fireants and noodles for breakfast, neither of which he coped with very well. The pic of me and the group is just after the accident, back in KK. It really is a miracle there are so many people in it.

And it was Toby's death that led to a more concrete exploration of Buddhism, firstly in Scotland when I came back in June, then in Nepal. It partly reinforced what I learnt on the banks of the Kinabatangan. Life is just not all about me! But having more awareness and control over yourself allows you to be of more benefit to others. And there's little point in expending all your energy trying to change your external circumstances, it's really your internal world you need to master. I'm really convinced of that now and I'm definitely in a quieter, calmer phase. I have my moments, but the excess of years past seems so far away, it's just not me anymore.



Having said all that, I did manage to be hugely self-indulgent and take 2 months just to ski...... and I really improved thanks to some great instruction and fantastic terrain. So I've learnt I love skiing. Hmm, yes, that's an insight. Seriously though, being outside and active is so important for me, I can't live without it. (It's the years of being forced up the Caterthuns with my fellow Granties in the freezing cold and driving sleet. Scarred me for life.)

Skiing also taught me much more than I thought: I realise what's stopping me progressing is really just commitment, you have to fling yourself down difficult terrain, even when you're afraid. Just like life and I realise I've not done enough of this. I tend to chop and change in a 'grass is greener' sort of way. Although I do think that's partly a result of focusing on the wrong things: status, money, security and conformity do not a happy Hannah make. But I will definitely commit properly to whatever I decide to do next. Increasingly I think that's actually the answer for most things in life. Just do things properly. Don't be half-hearted and don't give up at the first hurdle.

Of course I had a companion in my head pretty much the whole way through, not something I'd recommend for those of you considering a long trip, but life has a habit of getting in the way. Meeting Nathan and falling in love again was so unexpected and so lovely: I spent the first half of the journey in a state of happy excitement and the second half hurt and just so disappointed that it was not what I thought. There are lessons of course, probably the most important of which is to trust my intuition. It told me that all was not well but I suppressed it, thinking it was just my fear of getting involved again. It wasn't. Intuition is a powerful, powerful thing and we ignore it at our peril. It even told me exactly what I needed to worry about. Anyway. Enough of that.

As for travel itself, seeing more of the world and how people live is endlessly fascinating. We are all so interesting and really not so different from each other in terms of what we want, not at the core at least. I also realise just how fortunate I am to have been born with English as my first language and to have had the luxury of an education and therefore employment. I have never had to worry about where my next meal is coming from. It's an excess of things that bothers me, not a lack! We may be materially rich in the West, but I feel we've lost our sense of community and what's truly important in life.

So is this the end of the road? In terms of 'what on earth next', it's really where the fun begins. The experience has shifted my perspective and I won't be able to reverse. For first time in my life, I realise that who you are as a person is more important than what you achieve. Sounds simple, but really, this is a revelation for me. At the same time, I also know I want to make more of contribution to others than I've done to date. Got some ideas, so we'll see.

Anyway, I've decided to shelve all big questions for now.... I fly to Salt Lake City next Wednesday in pursuit of the best powder snow in the world and the ability to tackle it. I can't wait. Here's a snow pic to get me in the mood, as if I needed any assistance. I want to do lots of walking to the best stuff this winter.

I've got new Puma speedcats for just under a tenner

So excited! They may be rip offs and I may have bought the wrong size but that's not the point. They're a bargain.

I'm in Bangkok. I love it. There's so much to it, you'd need a week to even start to get a feel for it. It's just the right mix between tacky and cool. And the food is amazing, I've been eating since I got here. I can't believe I went out with Steve "I can cook fantastic Thai food" Faloon for 6 months and he only made me tom yam soup once. I missed a trick there. Mix that with the Buddhist practice (there are literally wats on every corner) and there's so much colour and vibrancy. Very different from Malaysia and being here has just reminded me I never did see the rest of SE Asia. Another time! Is anyone buying me lottery tickets when I'm away?

I met up with Sally yesterday which was great, it makes such a difference to see somewhere with someone who speaks the language and knows the country. They just love the king here. It's his 80th birthday this year and his 60th year on the throne, he's the longest-reigning monarch in the world. Today was some sort of holiday, I never did quite work out what was going on but I saw a couple of 'extra' golden buddhas not normally open to the public. No idea where I was, I just went with the tuk-tuk driver's flow. Had to visit a few gem shops to get a cheap ride, the drivers get coupons for petrol if they take tourists there. I was feeling benevolent, compared to Nepal there's hardly anyone trying to rip you off.

I'm already fantasising about the mini break we're going to have here. A long weekend of total excess. All is possible here and people are up for it. Iain, did you love it? It's so you. You should see the amount of scallies. Got talking to a couple of guys tonight from somewhere in deepest darkest Kent. Imagine Dan Walker's accent, increase his body size, add tattoos, a lot of lager and a traveller's tan. Rough as. Good fun. Iain, your heaven, although no tracksuits I'm afraid. And there's also MBK - a huge shopping mall. After an hour I had to leave, I was frazzled. It's so noisy! Blaring pop music and teenagers everywhere. I think we'd send Greig there whilst we cruised.

On a more serious note, if I was to continue the sex tourism theme from Nepal, I'd talk about all the western guys here for the Thai women but I'm not in a right-on mood tonight. It's pretty shocking though. I keep staring at all the couples, I have to check myself at times.

Lost in Kathmandu

I just love this sign. I laughed so much when I came across it. It pretty much sums up my experience in central Kathmandu, I seemed to go round and round in circles. Leaving today after a really interesting couple of days here; got back in the sightseeing zone after too many days sitting on my arse drinking sweet tea and eating chocolate croissants in Pokhara.

Yesterday I got up early and went to Boudhanath before the tourists arrived - at 7.30am you have the Tibetans for company and it's really an amazing experience to be there with them as they walk round the Stupa chanting their mantras quietly to themselves. I then spent the best part of an hour in one of the monasteries in some sort of a puja; it was so powerful. It's really hard to convey in words how it feels to be there with all the monks chanting and the gongs and trumpets blasting. I even got to threw some rice around at appropriate moments which was quite fun.

A successful local bus trip later, squashed in a minibus driven by a 14 year old, I arrived at Pashputinath which is one of the most holy Hindu temples in Nepal. It's also where families cremate their dead on the ghats by the river. People here are much more comfortable with death, possibly because of the belief in reincarnation, possibly because they're in contact with it much more often, I'm not sure.

To top off a fascinating day, I then managed not only to get on another minibus but to recognise where I was and get off at the right point without being manhandled out by the bus workers that hang off the side. They do their best to help silly tourists like me who decide they want the local experience.

And that was all in one day. Here are the rest of the pics. I've not seen enough of Nepal. Trekking isn't Nepal, it doesn't give you much of a feel for how the Nepalese live their lives. Ah well, I'll just have to come back. Maybe after a trip to India for more spiritual searching or something, we'll see. Oh I have the bug now. I knew I shouldn't have started.... I buried it away and tried to do what I was supposed to be doing instead. But now it's multiplying the more I see and do. I'm going to need a cure.